My hands are sticky. They’re covered and it’s only getting worse as it dries.
‘Milking’ from the base to the tip really got things going.
It’s splashed on my socks and jeans.
It’s on the floor. I’m just glad it’s laminate flooring and not carpet as it would leave a stain.
Scratch that, it’s on my white rug. That’s not coming out in the wash.
I haven’t even mentioned the urine all over the toilet seat and bathroom floor.
My first experience hasn’t gone well at all.
This is all the result of using a home STI kit.
Sounds like a harrowing experience?
Na, it’s just me being useless. It was like something from a sitcom, a domino effect of one bad thing after another.
You know in the movie 40 Year Old Virgin when he tries on a condom for the first time, reading the instructions? It was like that.
But instead of being surrounded by condoms, just lots of blood and piss.
So what does the actual home STI test involve?
Essentially you have to provide about 10 drops of blood and a urine sample in tubes provided. It’ll take maybe 30 minutes maximum (unless you have to do two blood samples like I did).
You’re provided with three finger pricks, an alcohol wipe, two tubes for your blood and urine samples, a small foil/plastic container (like if you cut the bottom half off a Capri Sun) to initially catch your urine to the pour into the tube, a plaster and a condom (only for the gents).
Here are my hindsight tips for taking a home STI test without getting piss and blood everywhere.
Read the instructions. This isn’t IKEA flat pack furniture you can sort of roughly guess what goes where.
There are some great tips like taking a hot shower before to get the blood flowing and getting the whole kit out so you’re not pulling and awkwardly twisting things with one hand. Both things I didn’t do.
At one point I was doing a Pete Townsend windmill motion with my arm to get the blood flowing.
And their advice on milking from the base of the finger to the tip really does work (milking is their choice of word, not mine but it’s pretty accurate if not horrible word, like moist).
Be careful not to tip the tiny blood container when it’s full like I stupidly did.
Be prepared for the overflow of urine as I could have filled the container three times over. So don’t worry about not being able to provide enough, it’s best not to do it when you’re bursting for a slash and you’re back teeth are swimming (as we say in Glasgow).
Sitting down might possibly be the best option as quickly shifting aim from the container to the bowl is hard (as we all know lads).
In all seriousness, I’m not trying to put anyone off using an STI kit at home. It’s super convenient (the alternative is arranging an appointment with your GP) and its still free.
And if you make a mess of it, no one will know (unless you write a blog post about your experience).
Just read the instructions and you won’t have the same drama as I did.